Stories we tell ourselves and how they affect our career
Making sense of the world
As humans we are hardwired to tell ourselves stories about the events in our life and the things that happen to us. It is our way of making sense of the world.
And while it is perfectly natural to want some perspective on things, we can get so caught up in the stories that we often miss the facts. So how does this affect our career?
By only seeing things through our own lens, we miss the opportunity to broaden our thinking and our skills. And we can end up in ongoing conflict with a colleague that wasn’t necessary, which impacts our longer term relationship with them.
What stories do you tell?
For example, you arrive at work in a good mood and feeling optimistic about your day. You bump into your boss in the corridor and he or she gives you a strange look. Straight away your mind scans a list of things you could have possibly done wrong or a deadline you missed. Nope you can’t think of anything but you can’t stop thinking about why they gave you that look.
So then you dismiss it, perhaps they are in a bad mood. You go to the kitchen to make coffee and meet one of your team mates. You greet each other and then you say, watch out for the boss they are not in a very good mood. Now that story is cemented in your mind and that of your team mate who then says to the next person they meet, watch out the boss is in a bad mood.
You then have a team meeting and the energy in the room is full of unspoken negativity and anticipation of what might be coming. The boss now seems to be jolly and makes a joke and asks everybody how they are. You think to yourself, so it must be me that they are annoyed with. I was the one that got that look.
Let’s rewind for a minute.
Reframing your story
What other possible reasons are there that you got the look?
Maybe the boss was deep in thought about something and although acknowledging you their mind wasn’t present.
They could have a personal problem at home with a sick family member, or, any other kind of personal issue.
Or maybe they have been called out by their boss and feeling sick or angry about it.
Or maybe, you have done something they are not happy with.
Taking action
If you don’t know then how about you go and ask. You might find that they are surprised by your question.
Or, you may find out what you need to do next. But if you don’t ask, then next time something similar happens, it will cement in your mind that the boss doesn’t like you or doesn’t value your work. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A few years ago a client told me that one of her direct reports didn’t respect her and didn’t acknowledge her. It made her feel bad about her leadership capabilities and the more she told herself stories around it, the worse she felt.
We discussed all the reasons that it might be happening. We worked through a conversation she could have with him that wasn’t confrontational.
When she had the conversation he was genuinely amazed she felt that way. He had no idea that was how he came across. She didn’t work in the same space as him so didn’t have an opportunity to see how he interacted with others. She just assumed it was her.
Their relationship totally changed from that day, for the better. But what if she hadn’t asked him and just assumed he didn’t respect her?
What an unsatisfactory relationship that would have been for both of them.
Processing information
Another scenario that plays out in organisations is the different ways that people process information. Some people like to talk out their ideas and become energised by going through scenarios and what ifs.
Others process information internally and like to analyse and think about it before commenting.
So in a meeting it ends up with one doing all the talking and thinking why doesn’t the other person say anything? The other person is thinking why don’t they shut up a minute?
If they both took the time to realise that they are on the same side but the way they approach things is completely different, it wouldn’t cause so much conflict.
And they wouldn’t be telling themselves the other doesn’t respect them.
And if you look at the research, it shows that appreciating differences in others and learning to work with them produces better results.
In an article in the Harvard Review on Diversity, they had this to say: “Diversity should be understood as the varied perspectives and approaches to work that members of different identity groups bring.” (Copy link below into browser). Although the article is several years old, many organisations are now appreciating the value of diversity and embracing the differences
https://hbr.org/1996/09/making-differences-matter-a-new-paradigm-for-managing-diversity
How to question the stories
Appreciating diversity and understanding that telling ourselves stories about why somebody has behaved in a certain way is not constructive. Of course, our stories won’t be wrong all the time.
Sometimes people do behave badly. But if we can limit ourselves to the facts rather than letting our emotions drive us, some conflicts will be avoided.
Next time you catch yourself telling yourself a story about something that is happening at work, stop.
Ask yourself what is the evidence?
What are some other reasons this has happened?
Can you go and speak to the person?
Or, is the story correct? If so, take action, don’t stew on it, otherwise the story will become bigger than it needs to be.
Thank you for reading and if you would like to learn some skills around reframing stories and alleviating anxiety, go to my website and fill in the contact form for a complementary 30 minute coaching session. Or email me at sharon@sharonstoneconsulting.com.au
